We keep clicking on news sites, hoping that maybe it isn’t true, that it’s just a reporting error, like the DEWEY BEATS TRUMAN headline. How could the pollsters and Nate Silver have let us down so calamitously? To paraphrase Gerald Ford, our national nightmare is just beginning.
But despair gets us nowhere, so we should ask ourselves: what would Sully do?
He wouldn’t panic, that’s what. He’d talk to his co-pilot and go through a checklist, exhausting all safety procedures. It’s important to maintain one’s poise in the event of a crash landing, and we certainly look to be in for a bumpy ride.
Donald Trump will be the next president of the United States, and right now it’s important we all remain calm. We made it through eight years of George W. Bush, Karl Rove and Donald Rumsfeld. Actors Ronald Reagan and Arnold Schwarzenegger turned out to be better public servants than initially feared. We, too, shall survive whatever the future holds. We won’t heed The Onion’s election night instruction that “the nation’s optimists need to seriously shut the fuck up as soon as humanly fucking possible.”
- One Branch
The founders split our government into three branches to ensure there was a leash on any president’s authority. No matter how narcissistic and thirsty for power our new tiny-pawed prince may be, there are constitutional restrictions on executive power, and Congress and the courts will enforce those checks and balances. This naturally leads to the question of how inclined Trump will be to bypass legislative consensus through executive orders, as well as his potential to reshape nearly half the Supreme Court—in many cases, the most important factor in determining a president’s legacy. To that, let us hope our justices diligently pop their vitamins and report all lumps.
- He’ll Never Build the Wall
I can’t believe this shit worked. Have you ever built a fence, let alone a wall? It’s a pain in the ass. And it always costs way more than you think. Trump has suggested it will cost $10 billion to $12 billion, but a Washington Post fact checker doubled that sum to a low bid of $25 billion. Then there’s ongoing maintenance and the the question of whom Trump expects to build the wall if he’s going to deport 11 million undocumented immigrants. You think Joe Six-Pack is raring to relocate and work in the 100 degree West Texas heat so he can dig ditches and wage eminent domain disputes with fellow hard-working ’Mericans? Can’t do her.
Speaking of the deportation force: Don’t worry. It’s just tough talk from a guy who claims to have never even grabbed a woman by the pussy. The deportation force would be an economic boondoggle well beyond the scope of any tower or wall the Trump family business builds. Estimates suggest that detaining and deporting every undocumented immigrant in the U.S. would shrink the country’s labor force by 11 million people, as well as reduce the GDP by $1.6 trillion. The project would also take about two decades to complete. At this juncture, current polling suggests the chances of Herr Trump getting a fifth term are unlikely.
- At Least Now We Know Who’s Racist
Remember when racism went from overt to under-the-radar code? White America really did crawl into a comfy place. Then a black guy had to go and get elected president. Facebook and Twitter have helped the closet racists find their stump and publicly out themselves. President Barack Obama called the increasing political and racial divisiveness his biggest disappointment, and it is incredibly dispiriting. But the country is not about to stop having a discussion on race, law enforcement’s use of force and inherent bias. None of that would have happened without Obama, and the rhetoric of Trump has shed light on the alt-right. It’s easier to fight an enemy you can see.
- California Has Its Act Together
States will likely gain greater autonomy under a Trump presidency, and Gov. Jerry Brown has done an exceptional job in his fourth term in office. The budget is back under control and the state Legislature acts with relative efficiency. Brown has found the sweet spot to tackle issues such as education, gun control, the environment and immigration. He’s also been a friend to low-income workers and is raising the minimum wage to $15 by 2021.
Taking that a step further, California could ignore some of Trump’s federal directives, and daily life would more or less continue on the same. However, Assemblyman Evan Low (D-Campbell) actually tweeted out a joke—but maybe not a joke?—this past week that California might want to consider seceding from the union in the case of a Trump victory.
— Evan Low (@Evan_Low) November 6, 2016
- Marijuana Is Legal
President-elect Trump used to host parties for rich men to sleep with underage hookers and do blow as he walked the floor like a pimp (allegedly). The chances of him sending out feds to raid pot farms and collectives in California seems low. Now that Prop. 64 has passed, heavy hitters have their eye on California’s cannabis industry. If Trump has even a shred of the business savvy he claims to possess, he’ll resist busting a cash cow.
- The Children Will Learn Russian
It’s a beautiful language.
- Democrats 2018
Trump has vowed to “drain the swamp” of Washington and dismantle a system that rewards the politically elite. One wonders if this will include the Republican Party. Democrats made some gains this election cycle, but not enough to regain control of the Senate. Without any track record as a political executive, it’s difficult to know how Trump will govern. If his campaign is any indication, he’ll spend most of his time obsessing on Twitter and bumbling his way through his first two years in office. A humbling loss and a rough start to Trump’s presidency could allow Democrats to bounce back by the 2018 midterm election.
- The Four-Year Window
The Golden State Warriors are coming off back-to-back NBA Finals appearances and should have repeated as champions last year. The team added Kevin Durant in the offseason and the four stars—Stephen Curry, Draymond Green, Klay Thompson and Durant—should have at least four more seasons to make a run at the title.
Also, Michelle Obama will probably be ready to run in four years, and she’ll be a better former first lady candidate than Hillary.