Squirrels to be Used in War on Terror
Mountain View hit the national news early this week when the Bush administration tapped the small hamlet in the South Bay for their rabid rodent population in order to help fight the war on terror.
The Commander-in-Chief decided to recruit the small furry animals after growing pressure to end the war from the Democratic Party, the American public and Sean Penn hit a crescendo.
“We knew something drastic needed to happen in Iraq,” said Bush Press Secretary Tony Snow. “And I think these rabid animals will give us the edge we need to defeat terror as we know it.”
Responding to criticism from a Department of Fish and Game warden that squirrels only know how to eat pinecones, have fun, and chase each other on wires, President Bush pointed out that several of them have attacked and maimed children, and that “squirrel populations tend to oppress, deny freedom to and brainwash their young while organizing poverty that tends to be psychologically debilitating. It is the perfect culture in which to recruit.”
The first regiment of squirrels was outfitted, trained and sent overseas with mini-hummers and small weapons discarded by Disney following their successful Stuart Little series.
In response to the mobilization order by the Commander-in-Chief, several hundred doctors from Veterinarians Without Borders have volunteered for duty to help deal with the inevitable road kill that will occur from thousands of grenade throwing animals running through the streets and deserts of Iraq.