Wayward Sea-Terrorists Strand Speed Boats in Shallow Waters
Several Somali speedboats were grounded at the confluence of the Guadalupe and Los Gatos rivers on Thursday as dozens of Coast Guardsmen quickly arrived on the scene to impound the boats, seize the cargo of weapons and arrest their crews of armed pirates.
During an impromptu press conference in front of HP Pavilion, with the Somalis propped up and chained to the merry-go-round animals as a backdrop, a Coast Guard spokesman explained the advanced methods that lead to the swift and stunning capture.
“We ascertained something was amiss when we spotted five cigarette-boats doing 80 knots up a river with no water,” said United States Coast Guard Chief Petty Officer Danny Hilcrest. “That, and the skull and crossbones flags flying from their afts.”
Initial reports placed the Somalis in the Lexington reservoir where they attacked the Santa Clara Crew team, taking their money, cell phones and cafeteria cards before heading back down the river to their eventual grounding point.
Until a Somali language expert arrives to translate, the Coast Guard’s only clue as to the intent of the pirates is a note written in crude English, found in the fiberglass hull of one of the multimillion dollar boats, expressing their desire for asylum, dental work and same-sex marriage recognition.