Somali Pirates Captured in Guadalupe River

Wayward Sea-Terrorists Strand Speed Boats in Shallow Waters

Several Somali speedboats were grounded at the confluence of the Guadalupe and Los Gatos rivers on Thursday as dozens of Coast Guardsmen quickly arrived on the scene to impound the boats, seize the cargo of weapons and arrest their crews of armed pirates.

During an impromptu press conference in front of HP Pavilion, with the Somalis propped up and chained to the merry-go-round animals as a backdrop, a Coast Guard spokesman explained the advanced methods that lead to the swift and stunning capture.

“We ascertained something was amiss when we spotted five cigarette-boats doing 80 knots up a river with no water,” said United States Coast Guard Chief Petty Officer Danny Hilcrest. “That, and the skull and crossbones flags flying from their afts.”

Initial reports placed the Somalis in the Lexington reservoir where they attacked the Santa Clara Crew team, taking their money, cell phones and cafeteria cards before heading back down the river to their eventual grounding point.

Until a Somali language expert arrives to translate, the Coast Guard’s only clue as to the intent of the pirates is a note written in crude English, found in the fiberglass hull of one of the multimillion dollar boats, expressing their desire for asylum, dental work and same-sex marriage recognition.


  1. These Friday parodies are fun and useful for blowing off steam, but the pirates on the coast of East Africa call into question the state of American naval preparedness.

    If the Bush administration does seek, or is required by circumstances, to engage militarily with Iran, is the navy ready in all regards to respond to what will be a diverse onslaught including just such vessels as are terrorizing East African waters?

    That would have seemed like a silly question to me a month ago, but the lethargy and clumsiness of the responses to the pirates raises readiness questions throughout the waters of East Africa and Southwest Asia.

  2. #4—Teddy Roosevelt would have blown them out of the water.  Why don’t we?  Is there some international sympathy for these folks? I doubt it, and even is so…so what? They hijacked a cruise ship several months ago.  Give our Navy boys a little field experience.