Shorter BART Line From Popeye’s to Great Mall

Victory For Mall Rats and Buffalo Wing Lovers

With the likely defeat of Measure B, the head of the Valley Transportation Authority wants to implement a new plan, calling for a shorter, independent BART line, smaller cars and practically no maintenance.

“We just felt we had the momentum to move this project forward autonomously,” explained VTA General Manager Michael Burns. “The people almost approved it, which means they really want us to do it, and with the opening of Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits in downtown, we obviously have the critical mass and momentum.”

The VTA claims its internal studies show that a typical San Jose rider may eat lunch at Popeye’s in downtown, take the BART extension to the mall to hang out and text, ride back to Popeye’s for dinner and return to the mall that night to see a movie.

“This maximizes ridership and income,” said one VTA consultant reading from the report. “to a level that has us graphing nilpotent subgroups with infinite indices showing subexponential growth at quasi-isometric polynomial rates—this has never been achieved on mass transit.”

The VTA report also charts the millions of dollars of potential savings from the original $58 trillion price tag by using above-ground track, running it to nowhere in particular and using recycled cars from Disney’s defunct Mad Tea Party ride.

4 Comments

  1. And what about the wetlands behind the Brokaw strip mall?  Hello?  EIR anyone?

    Has anyone given a thought to the well being of the seagulls and Canadian geese that hang out at the Brokaw strip mall parking lot when it rains?

    Somewhere there’s an Indian standing on the shoulder of 880 with a tear in his eye.

    PS.  Anyone know if the Popeye’s to Great Mall BART extension will have cup holders?

  2. Simple Simon took a BART train
    a going to downtown.

    So long was he upon that BART train
    his face began to frown.

    Hopped upon the light rail
    ‘fore berryessa fair,

    Scarcely could believe his eyes
    that he was still not there.

    Bored was he.  The trains, you see,
    had taken o’er an hour

    To go so short a distance,
    no wonder he was sour

    To waste his day the transit way.
    (It really isn’t far.)

    Arrived at last, but not too fast.
    Next time he’ll take the car.