Millions Flock to “Charlotte’s Web” to See Supernatural Occurrence

San Jose was hit with a much-needed Christmas miracle this season that has sent millions of visitors, tourists, and skeptical gawkers into downtown with their spin-off dollars landing in happy restaurants and welcoming hotels.

If Santa, Christmas in the Park and Baby Jesus weren’t enough to wrest the happy holiday greenbacks from the wallets of the spendthrift masses, a timely, if not disturbing image of a grinning Councilman Forrest Williams appearing on the curtains at the Camera 12 Cinema during a showing of “Charlotte’s Web”—clad in what appears to be a smoking jacket and silk boxer shorts—has certainly done the trick.

The International City Council Management Association (ICMA), the leadership and management organization charged with the responsibility of investigating and verifying civic miracles, dispatched several dozen of their volunteer “Hysteria Chasers” to the site of the apparition.

These Hysteria Chasers, usually retired rubberneckers or failed paparazzi, have years of experience wasting time observing urban mayhem, celebrity meltdowns and highway pileups, and are therefore distinctly qualified for such craziness.  “We will get to the bottom of this so-called ‘miracle,’” whispered one such specialist who wished to remain anonymous and quiet as he watched Wilbur discover that the humans were going to eat him at Christmas.  “Oh, that sucks for the pig.”

According to theater management, business is up 75,000 times over last season, causing a quadrupling of staff, a 24-hour theater operation, and no popcorn, soda or candy within a mile of the place.

“I just don’t understand all the hysteria,” said theatergoer Joseph Saddlewander.  “Every Tuesday you can go see the real Forrest at the City Hall Rotunda representing a whole district of San Jose.  Now that’s the real miracle if you ask me.”