350,000 Kids March on Washington
In response to the news that Mother’s Cookies filed for bankruptcy protection on Monday, several hundred thousand kids organized a march on Washington in order to demand a bailout of the company that has graced children’s bag lunches with their product for nearly 100 years.
“If we can give $750 billion to fat-cat CEO’s and Wall Street pimps that got us into this mess,” said an attorney hired to represent the children, “then we can certainly see to it that this iconic cookie company stays in business.”
Since many health professionals consider the pink-and-white frosted animal-shaped cookies the methamphetamine of children’s snacks, congressional leaders believe that the cost of putting the company under federal receivership, thereby ensuring the continued manufacture of the cookies, to be a much cheaper solution than providing federal funding for methadone to wean the kids off the tasty morsels.
Detractors say that since Dip n’ Dots received FDA approval and hit the market, the rescue of Mother’s Cookies is a little less necessary.
Nevertheless, organizers of the march are remaining diligent in their cause, saying the goal is to force congress to vote on a funding package to keep Mother’s operational. Given that many Representatives are in an election year, political pundits point out that the children’s chances of success look good.
“But just in case,” said one pundit, “they better be ready to mobilize FEMA to distribute chocolate Pinwheels to keep the peace.”