Single Gal and Where Are All These Single Men?

Well, we’ve really made the big time now: Oprah!  The words “San Jose” actually graced her lips as the best place for a single gal to meet men.  Now, before you all rant and rave about how superficial I am or that there must be 1,000 things wrong with me and that is why I am still single, let’s talk about where all the throngs of single men are really hiding—unless they are just hiding from me.

San Jose was ranked number one—I repeat, number one—for women over 35 to find a good man because there are 15,000-plus more single men than single women. If I was a betting man or woman, I would take those odds any day of the week. However, when the article came out in the Mercury News, I received no less than four phone calls from girlfriends all saying the same thing: If there are so many men, where in the hell are they?

Before you go off on your tangents about how I need to go places other than bars to meet men, or that I need to think outside the box or I need to give guys a chance, let’s just say that has all been done. I swear they aren’t out there. 

Where is Men’s Health Magazine getting their data from?  When I am out and about, do I ever meet any of these so-called active, hot men?  No! I either meet men over 35 who are unhappily married or under-25s who don’t quite have a clue about life, let alone women.  So that leaves the commitment-phobics, the socially inept, the workaholics and the engineer “types” who can’t carry on a conversation other than on their computers or PDAs.  Hey, the truth hurts—and in this case, it’s pretty darn accurate.

OK, perhaps I am being a little hard on the men in “Man Jose.” There are some diamonds in the rough and some exceptions.  Maybe many of them put in their long hours and then commute back up to San Francisco or Palo Alto.  Regardless, I guess we are all just looking for our own Steadman, just like Oprah, and he’s never easy to find—even if the numbers are on your side.

35 Comments

  1. All the good men are either living in San Francisco or if they hail from a GU “951-” zip code-spend their weekends in San Francisco. 
    The ‘City” girls are generally more sophisticated, conversant and better put together.  Having lived in San Jose, where the accepted ideal is to find a girl just smart enough to get to and from her Pilates class but too dumb to use your ATM card, this revelation may come as a bit of a slap to some of your fleshy faces…but it is the truth.  Visit any bar in San Francisco’s Marina District and you will think you are back at a Sorority mixer-and the best part (and I save this for last) MOST OF THE GOOD LOOKING GUYS AREN’T LOOKING FOR GIRLS.  So this means any schlub from San Jose in his acid washed jean shorts, baseball cap and CaboWabo muscle shirt can shuffle in and at least have a chance at talking to a top shelf gal.  And these City gals, tired of the SF dating scene and just looking for someone (and if they are 35 or over-anyone) might even respond.  Now why would a single guy look in San Jose?

  2. And what’s made us broken and bitter is that a “nice guy” has no chance.  Why?  All we do is treat women with respect and dignity, but that’s not good enough.  Why?  We aren’t “exciting” enough.  We don’t provide a sense of “danger”.

    There are guys out there.  I hang with a group of guys 35-50.  We’re all nice guys.  We’re all single.  You figure it out.

  3. They are all at my friend’s house in Mtn View. He’s a developer for a large internet company in Mountain View (you know who), and his friends and roommates work for Palm, Apple, TiVo, etc. Every time they have a party over there it’s like 20:1 men to women. Ridiculous odds. Worse than a frat house!

    And all are nice guys in their 20s with college degrees and no major issues (other than the fact that they work a lot). But that comes with the territory! This isn’t France, after all. But the point is, they get out and hike or cycle on the weekends or go wine-tasting.

    The reason you can’t find them when you are “out and about” is because they’d rather hang out at house parties with friends (and friends of friends and friends of friends of friends) than go to lame “untz clubs” with skeezy pickup scenes and blaring music. (It’s called an “untz club” because the music thumps “untz untz untz untz.” I got that from a classmate, Molly, back in school.)

    And they’re probably not “hunky” by your standards, but they are “diamonds in the rough” as you say. If you want an intro, drop me a line. I promise not to blow your cover. grin

  4. SG,

    Reread your blog comments – If any single guy said many of your comments about woman,  had your “Silicon Valley” dating requirements, or expected who they date to quickly change to meet your qualifications list – you would be very critical and turned off – So why the surprise if many “single men” feel the same

    Many “single men friends” are turned off by local single gals , who start most conversations with how they have been mistreated, how they and their gal friends can‘t find a ” nice single man”, want to stay home to have a child, have their “standards” with a long qualifications list,  so rather not date more unrealistic “single gals”

    The fault many times is in ourselves, not others

    If you really want to get married to a ” nice man” then ” become a ” nice woman” and your family, single men friends ( most single gals don‘t have any) or married friends will refer you

    No referrals – should tell you the problem since they certainly know ” nice single men ” but are not referring them to ” single gals”

  5. The problem with you, Single Gal, is you’re too damn picky!  I’m fat and ugly and very casual, but you won’t give me the time of day oncesoever!  Not a fat chance.  You know, most guys in the valley are just like me, who wants to go out on a date but can’t.  You guys put up a snubby attitude to ward off potential suitors.  We’re under your mental radar screen, so that why you ask, “where are the men?” Well they’re below your radar and under your nose!  The problem: most men are.  That’s why you go “where are they?”  They’re right below you!  Oprah and Men’s Health are very accurate, but they’re not Brad Pitt or John Stamos!  Wake up and smell the orange cupucino.

  6. As someone who’s 36 and who consults in IT in the Valley (and who’s a government watchdog in his spare time), it’s not easy finding any decent woman my age in these parts.  Particularly when all they seem interested in are your stock options or credit rating.  Here in the Santa Cruz area, you’d have to be an undergrad, aging hippie, or into the “alternative” lifestyles to be part of the dating scene.  Hence, I’ve had to go online in several places to even start looking for a nice woman my age.

    As was detailed in a NY Times story around 2000 about dating in Silicon Valley, try finding a nice woman your age in this Valley when you are a black, like I am.  It’s much worse.  For those of you who think someone like me should only date black women: name one black woman in this Valley who would be interested in attending a Sharks hockey game with someone like me.  Many times where I’ve mentioned I’m a Sharks fan on dates I’ve been on, I’m often told I should like basketball.  End of date right there.  I’ve never been afraid to cross the “color line” for dating but usually found that no one I’ve dated with shares my interests, or simply loses interest in me.

    Fortunately, I’ve managed to make time to at least have friends (many married or in serious relationships) who I hang out with on occasion.  Still, I’ve had to go to The City on weekends where I can at least meet and talk to all kinds of people who share my interests.  I’ve found the women there to at least make an effort to have a decent conversation without worrying about financial matters or other petty things.  I vouch for #2 in that women in The City seem a bit more together than what I’ve seen in the Valley in my 6.5 years of living here.

    At this point it’d have to take a miracle for me to find a decent woman who shares my interests in the Valley.
    Otherwise, my dating options are going to be focused on The City.  Hopefully, it will all work out…

    BlandBung: drop me a line on where I can find this “bar” in the Marina district. smile

  7. I’m 39 and have been married for the last 21 years.  I used to wonder if I foolishley married to young and was missing out.  But, by the looks of things I guess I’m not missing much.

  8. Single Gal,

    I’m a 40 something (not counting time frozen) evil genius seeking a life partner (Frau Farbissina and I had a falling out—I fed her to sharks with frickin laser beams attached to their heads).

    Anyway, I expect my financial situation to improve shortly.  I used a time machine to travel back in time to steal Chuck Reed’s “mojo”.  Without his “mojo”, he has absolutely no personality.  I have offered to return his “mojo” for ONE HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS.

    If this offer appeals to you, please meet me at the Tom McEnery talk this Friday, where he will explain (over and over again.. and won’t stop, even if you beg him to) why he was the best mayor the City of San Jose has ever had and what a great guy Thomas Fallon was.

  9. What Oprah said has been true for this area for at least the last 20 years.  I quit going out, except to Gold’s gym after work, 10-12 years ago.  It just isn’t worth it.  Anywhere you go (work, bars, gym, etc.) its 99 guys and 1 woman. 

    So now I spend my free time at my paid off home with the dogs, cat, and home theater.  Turns out, that its not to bad a lifestyle, once you get used to it.

    I have to admit that I do miss not having any kids, but that’s what happens when you live in this area.  Lots of work, and few women.

  10. Honestly I am not as picky as you all think.  We are all looking for the same thing, I think that it would be better if people just GOT OUT of the house or work a little more – show us what you got. 

    Fed Up – did I ever say I had anything against ugly, fat and casual?  I love it!

    I am so over San Francisco to meet guys.  They are so snobby when they hear you are from San Jose anyway. Who needs em!

  11. #3- You are right. We women start out at a young age thinking tough guys will take care of us. We think these guys are fun because they keep us guessing. But as we mature the drama, and the “excitement” wares off. We find ourselves wanting a man of integrity, gentle, and respectful. But by the time we reach that stage of matureity, we’re older, greyer, a bit mistrustful. In the meantime, you guys are busy dating young, blond bimbos, with fake breasts who use you for your money. It’s a knife that cuts both ways.
    I count myself lucky. I have a handsome man, who works hard, tells me I’m pretty when we first wake up, morning breath and all. I wouldn’t trade him for the world, pot belly, receeding hair line, and a back like a God, great legs, and a beautiful heart, he’s a keeper~

  12. Most of the men over 35 are broken and bitter. They won’t even ask you to dance cause they are afraid. At least the young men will come up and talk to you and dance with you.

    I’m not sure how you meet men over 35 if you have a job that somewhat isolates you.

    Where are all the men hiding out?

  13. The problem is that marriages take time to fail, and most people’s life pattern is:
    Early twenties – College
    Mid twenties – Meet people, date.
    Late twenties – Get married.

    That means that the late twenties to early thirties is the WORST time to be looking, because everyone is trying to make monogamy work, against every biological urge and logical impulse they have, and staying married far longer than really makes sense.

    Some see the lught, some don;t and some get lucky and marry someone they can stand who has the same life plan.

    The rest of us, we just have to muddle our way along and hope smile

  14. Isn’t the gender imbalance in this area started with gold rush? Is it really new?

    The technology boom in the last decades attracted talents from all over the world and they are mostly male, just like the original 49ers.

    Are those people really on the “meat market” so to speak?  I am not just talking about Indian engineers on H-1B with (pre-arranged or not) marriage waiting back home.  Many Mexican migrants I know had left family behind.  Despite the dot bomb, a lot of young engineers of all races are still working on startup mode, working long hours with no social life, hoping that they will hit it big and retire young.  Male Asian-American engineers I talked to are usually secured in the knowledge that if all else fail in the United State, they can always find a wife in the ancestral country.  Once all those are factored in, the imbalance is not as bad as back in the day of gold rush.

  15. I just wished I could find a nice 45-50 year old guy for my best friend. She’s given up because all she ever finds is loosers who want to get a free ride, a booty call, or they drink too much, or are abusive, cheat, or want a mommie.

    Kind of makes me sad for her. I’ve met them and my God, I’m so glad I’m not single. Ugh…

  16. There is another side to nearly everything.

    I am 41, have never been married, have never been out of shape, and have been making over 100k a year for the past 15 years. I have always been considered a good looking person ( or at least so I have been told). I can carry a conversation about nearly anything, and have literally traveled the entire globe ( 102 countries so far). However, I basically stopped dating about 4 years ago because I decided that women are simply not worth the hassle. I cook, I clean ( ok I do have a housekeeper) I work, and stay active in my local community, and I can honestly tell you that the attitude of most of the women I have dated turned me off completely so I decided enough was enough and called it quits and I have really never looked back. I am quite content spending time with my family and friends. I lead a very full life and can honestly say that since I decided to write women out of my life I have never been happier.

    The stresses and demands of the “dating ” world are simply not worth it. When you come to terms with that, and recognize that you CAN survive and you CAN be happy on your own, trust me, your life will start getting more enjoyable by the day.

    My point?  Many of the very guys you might be looking for have been there all along, however be 100% honest with yourself and ask how many good men you have turned away becuase they didn’t fit the mold of what you or your friends consider ” the perfect man”

    Perhaps on the other side of things, many men out there would really rather play golf and do their own thing all the time than deal with the hassles of dating. Why?  the rewards from dating are simply not worth the effort required.

  17. SG: a whole bunch of single guys will be @ Cuccini in San pedro Square May 22 for the Latinas Gone Wild!  They are featuring Best Booty Shakin and Best Rack Contests.  That oughta bring out lots of single guys, including lots of single cops.

  18. #18- A lot of women feel the same way you do. We can’t compete with females half our age and that seems to be men’s preferences these days.  We seem to be living in a society of instant gratification driven by the media. Everyone wants an instant relationship. People meet jump in bed, and call that a relationship. Well, what is there to talk about once you’ve skipped over the getting to know one another’s heart, mind, goals and dreams for the future? You can’t build a house that with stands time if you don’t have a solid foundation.

    I am lucky enough to have a good man who is also my best friend and confidant. We started out as friends. We took our time, got to know one another, and now we’re engaged. This happened over a two-year period and we have been together for five years now.

    It seems, long gone are the days of getting to know one another, taking things slow, waiting for that first kiss and then making a serious commitment. I feel bad that my girl friends feel like you and have given up on men. I think most men are wonderful. You are no different then we are. You want to be appreciated, liked and loved just like we do. Don’t give up Ct. there is someone out there for you. But you’ll never find her with a closed heart and mind.

  19. SG:  I gotta tell ya, when I heard we were #1 I nearly fell off my chair laughing. I’m with you, where are we hiding these great men?

    I’m divorced and, like #18, decided to kick the habit and enjoy my freewheelin’ lifestyle with a great income, time and freedom to travel, and the fantastic friends I have in San Jose.

    In the past year, however, I gave my friends relationships another look. Most of them have wonderful spouses and very happy relationships. So here I am, full circle, and back in the mix.

    I know some of the most fascinating single women, beautiful, intelligent, sophisticated and as nice as can be – all open to meeting interesting men.  My friends don’t discriminate on the basis of income or race but are interested in meeting smart, nice men.

    Chris, c’mon out to SJ. I know a great woman, not me, over in the Adobe Towers who is wonderful, beautiful, intelligent and kind. With luck she won’t find out I’m trying to fix her up via SJInside. Oh, with all your travels, if you haven’t already joined the Travellers Century club be sure to look into it.

  20. #21

    We have, for the most part, quit going out.  As #11 says, everywhere you go there is always more men than women, and those women are either married, or a girl-friend. 

    However, the real problem is that there really is not a “single” place where singles can go in order to meet someone.  Sure, there are thousands of places (bars, gyms, churches, grocery stores, etc.) to go, but that greatly reduces the odds that, at any given time, there will be an adequate mixture of men and women to meet.

  21. I am in my 30’s and have a girlfriend right now and have lived here most of my adult life, with the exception of 5 years away for college and law school.  I don’t think it’s hard to meet people at all in San Jose, despite the lack of a “singles” bar.  In fact, I don’t think I would go to a place that characterized itself as such.  You can go to any number of bars, clubs and other events and meet people that are cool.  You just can’t be going out for the purpose of meeting someone.  You go out to have a good time with friends.  If I see someone who I find attractive or meet someone in a group of friends, I talk to them without pretense.  No lines, just some good conversation and attempts at humor grin 
    95% of the time I know in 5 minutes or less that the person I am talking with is not someone I would be interested in seriously dating.  Now, keep in mind, the percentage may be even higher for men that are shallow, particularly with looks.  But, if you aren’t taking yourself seriously, you can still have fun talking with someone or even grabbing lunch or coffee with someone who you aren’t going to marry, as long as you are honest with them (and yourself) and now you have another friend.  But, when you do find one of the 5% that appeals to what your tastes are, then it’s worth it.  I love being single and I love having a girlfriend.  Ultimately, if we enter into the social scene to enjoy ourselves and not solely to meet somebody, we can have fun, even in San Jose

  22. #18 I hear you loud and clear I can relate and I too am doing my own thing now.  Life is good, drama free and I enjoy my solo time alone with my cats & dogs~spending time with friends and traveling on the side.

    Life is Good!

  23. A relationship is about what you can give to the other person and be their compliment.  A marriage with children focuses on the children.

    I watch my parents who may not be the perfect couple, but one thing they have done correctly is that they are giving people.  Maybe life was simpler then, or maybe they just focused on family valves.

    Unfortunately I meet too many people who are into themselves like they are still children.  I am 43, and girls often mistaken me to look 33 because I stay in shape… , so it is difficult to meet more mature women.  Most women at 28-35 seem a bit disparate because all of a sudden they want to marry after dating to a guy after 1.5 years.  Commitment is not an issue, it is about really knowing the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

    I think we all like to find a place to meet professional singles who are down to earth and fun loving people.  I am a personal person, and meeting people online is so impersonal.

  24. I’m a single guy, 35. I have a grad degree. I’ve had women walk up to me and give me their phone number at a party – okay, that was a long time ago. But, I’m unable to find a women in San Jose. Why? Well, I work in a very demanding job. I have moved around a lot. And, basically, I only have “work friends.” Good for a beer or two after work, but no serious clubbing. When I’m out alone, I’m shy. And so, I’m single in San Jose. I haven’t been laid in 3 years.

  25. Well first of all SG, I am not single.  But I know ALOT of single guys.  After being married for over 20 years I wonder why I keep seeing similar things said or written by woman (or men for that matter) who are over their Ya-Ya years and are still (or recently single).  First of all, if I was a “single gal”, I would not be interested in any guy above who has one single excuse why “they” still are, no offense guys.  But not one woman I know is interested in some guy who complains, makes excuses or generally has some reason why he cannot “hook” up.  If you are one of these, better get over it now, or else be doomed to “single-dom” for life.  Negativity is the first “killer” of conversation with the opposite sex.  The only post I saw mostly positive was #4 by John.  Instead of whining “why”, he’s inviting “you” over.

    But I do have some ways to offer that may make sense.  Single “gals” (BTW, I thought that went out before “babes”) should become good friends, if they are not already, with good married woman.  What better way to meet good, single men than to meet the friends of the husband you admire of the girlfriend you know VERY Well.  My wife and I constantly attempt to help out friends, male and female, to see which pairings work.  There have been some good ones for sure, but event the ones that later parted, were still ones that stayed good friends.  We also know which ones don’t work before mistaken dates are set up.  At least this way you don’t have to “speed-date” through 20 “negatives” to maybe find one “positive”.

    Lastly, it often still comes down to “where” you search for this new significant other.  Let’s face it, I wouldn’t even consider a woman for a L.T.R. if I met her at a bar.  It’s not about drinks being the problem, it’s that it’s not a place where you can get quality “face time”.  Ok, I am not saying the old library connection, which could still work, however.  I am talking about clubs or groups that have solid reasons to join.  Charitable causes (read-guys who care, woman will like), social clubs, etc.  Without going into a laundry list, I belong to the Race Event Volunteers group of the San Jose Grand Prix.  We volunteer for racing (woman too) and more importantly, for the Canary Foundation, our Grand Prix sponsor fighting for early detection of cancer.  This noble group has 500 members and is growing.  I know there are many, good single men (and woman) and there is even an event June 10th to see about what we are all about. 

    SG, Check out our URL and then you can see.
    http://www.sanjosegrandprix.com/volunteer.html

    I bet there is enough solid, quality types to pick from.  Heck, if you come, I would be glad to introduce you to the many I know.

  26. I agree with SG. I was single for 4 (30-34) years in San Jose area. It was so dreadfully depressing. You’d go on dates, guys would expect sex on the first date. You don’t give it, they don’t call. You do give it, they don’t call. Clubbing was even worse. I finally met my boyfriend in Riverside County while visiting a girlfriend one weekend over Thanksgiving.

  27. yeah if your not size 5 forget it, men want a booty call not a relationship, now i see why so many women are gay

  28. I just think that is fine to keep finding the person that may be a match of positive energy and resonande, for that great feeling of peace, comfort and endurance, called love. Talk to me and you may find a close friend to whisper at you ear.

  29. in agree that there’s a lot of reasons why some people especially as my age, who’s with booming careers hardly find a time to go out to find their match. We hardly have a time to do it…we could only do so much but not everything all at the same time! =(

  30. OK 26, enough is enough!  Shoot me an email (and not so fast…that’s all you’ll be shooting for now).