Most Agree Scandal-less City is “Boring”
In a recent poll commissioned by the Mercury News after a dramatic drop in subscription renewals several months ago, 79 percent of those surveyed say that without the sensational news of the scandalous Gonzales administration, there is no reason to read the paper anymore.
“I used to enjoy getting up in the morning,” said one typical respondent. “Now, San Jose is just so boring: the buses run on time, they’re trying to solve the budget deficit and the Reed Reforms are working. It sucks.”
Dr. Samuel Heckenburger, Executive Director of the Santa Clara County Suicide Prevention and Crisis Center, says that he has seen a record number of suicide attempts coinciding with the end of the Gonzales era.
“It’s strange that most of the calls for help have come from the lobbying community,” he said, “but in my professional opinion it is only temporary—all these feelings of hopelessness will blow over when the Garbagegate trial begins.”
Many people have turned to the Sharks and Warriors playoff games as a temporary distraction.
“But nothing can relieve the emptiness,” says one new sports fan. “It just doesn’t compare to hubris, ethical lapses and bribes.”
In an unrelated survey, which has no margin of error, 100 percent of sheriff deputies polled say they have cancelled their plans to get foot massages on their next trip to Las Vegas.