“Safest Big City” Just A Memory

It’s as though Death Race is being filmed in San Jose. The city’s streets are no longer safe for septuagenarians, as the death toll of elder pedestrians has skyrocketed in the past year.

But as San Jose mourns the recent loss of its title “Safest Big City” to New York, it can find some consolation, and perhaps redemption, in the fact that it has topped the “Most Dangerous Big City for Pedestrians” list for the first time in a devastating counterpunch to the Big Apple.

“It feels good to be back on top,” said a spokesperson for the Con-Vis bureau. “I think this is a big reason why Tesla Motors decided to locate in San Jose.”

This year alone, pedestrian deaths-by-blunt-automobile have doubled. And there seems to be no end in sight.

“It’s really a tragedy,” said senior citizen rights activist Kenneth Walker. “What with the texting, IMing and uploading vital-sign statistics to their MySpace, there is just too much to divert their attention.”

As expected, in the face of such overwhelming statistics, the governor just signed an emergency bill making it illegal for the elderly to text and walk at the same time.

6 Comments

  1. I was hoping you would address the Mercury News’ new motto:

    Read today’s Mercury News to know what was in yesterday’s New York Times.

    Seriously, the Mercury News’ coverage of the bailout, election, etc… has been pathetic.  Day after day of articles copied from the New York Times.  What front page news were the Mercury News reporters working on instead.  Today we learned: SUSHI!

  2. The city’s streets are no longer safe for septuagenarians, as the death toll of elder pedestrians has skyrocketed in the past year.

    Look at the positive side.  The average age of San Jose residents is getting lower, thus reducing health care costs.

  3. #1. SteveO – Now let’s be fair. The Merc is also covering BIG IMPORTANT STORIES like the recent front-page article about the Dog Census!

  4. The dirty old man would walk each day
    And toy with his iPhone along the way
    But when he Google searched “porn”
    He failed to notice the horn
    And got laid by a big Chevrolet

  5. J Mc,

    If you change the story from ‘IM’s diverting their attention’ to ‘Stopping in the middle of the road to yell/glare at people IM’ing as they walk’, then your story would be more true and less satire.

    On a more serious note, this city really is becoming more dangerous for bike and pedestrian. You don’t need statistics to see this downtown.