Research Agency Says Medical Waste Valuable
The National Institutes of Health (NIH) recently announced its plans to build a $1 billion state-of-the-art research facility in San Jose after the city’s Guadalupe landfill was identified as the nation’s tenth largest repository for untreated medical waste.
“This will be an incredible boon to San Jose’s economy and tax base,” said Paul Krutko, Director of the Office of Economic Development. “Besides tax increment dollars, Marriot Residences will be hemorrhaging TOT tax while scientists and researchers spend millions of dollars in our restaurants and nightclubs.”
The city has structured a deal, pending council approval, to relocate the kind-of-historic IBM Building 25 to the landfill to house the waste while its conversion into the research facility begins in haste.
Interest in stem cell research has peaked in Santa Clara Valley in the wake of a recent federal quarantine order restricting the interstate movement of nursery stock and cut flowers as the result of a hungry moth infestation.
According to Dr. Yoyo, professor of neurology at Stanford University, “Certain transplantation therapies that use a subset of neural stem cells and neurotrophic factors have been shown to increase the growth hormones in brown apple moths that would vastly improve the flight range of the specific Australian native infesting our valley, allowing them to fly home on their own.”
In related news, Manny Diaz was found in a separate area of the dump wrapped in a translucent bag marked “political waste” that was immediately salvaged and delivered to the offices of Saggau-Derollo, where he will be rebuilt, repackaged, remessaged and readied for the next campaign.
VMC Wins Approval for Revolutionary Hazmat Disposal Device
San Jose (FFN)—Santa Clara Valley Medical Center, already recognized for its state-of-the-art treatment of burn victims and citizens of Mexico, will soon add another distinction to its lofty reputation, according to information released at a press conference held early today. In a remarkable, sometimes challengingly technical presentation, scientists and VMC administrators announced that the hospital will soon begin construction of a particle accelerator designed to safely dispose of untreated medical waste and other hazardous materials.
Dubbed Big Gulp, the device is said to employ the rules of General Relativity to create a destructive device with a limitless capacity and the capability to dispose of material of any type. It will be housed in a new building, one said sturdy enough to ensure the safety of the hospital complex as well as the neighboring business and residential area. Construction is scheduled to be complete by early next year, with Big Gulp expected to be online soon thereafter.
At the conclusion of the presentation, this reporter conducted the following interview of Dr. Fritz Von Irrsinnig, lead physicist on the project:
Reporter: “Dr. Irrsinnig, during the press conference several of my colleagues speculated that your device will be a nuclear furnace. Would that be correct?”
Dr. Irrsinnig: “No. My accelerator will compress matter, not incinerate it.”
Reporter: “So, it would be more along the lines of a powerful compactor, like those used to flatten cars?”
Dr. Irrsinnig: “No. With my device, once deployed, no matter remains.”
Reporter: “Doctor, I have a responsibility to inform my readers; could you help me out by explaining how your device can make matter disappear?”
Dr. Irrsinnig: “Well, I was warned to avoid being too specific, but basically my device compresses matter into an unimaginably tiny region using the forces of gravity.”
Reporter: “That sounds like a Black Hole.”
Dr. Irrsinnig: “Bingo! But remember, I didn’t say it.”
Reporter: “But a Black Hole! That sounds like an extremely dangerous device!”
Dr. Irrsinnig: “Well, extreme problems require extreme solutions. You folks have got a lot of waste here. I have never seen so many pampers!”
Reporter: “But what about power?”
Dr. Irrsinnig: “Your electric grid will provide all the power necessary. You must understand, we will only power-up once a month.”
Reporter: “And what effect will your powering-up have on our electric grid?”
Dr. Irrsinnig: “Well, of course it will cause a brown-out, but nothing that will last beyond a day or two?”
Reporter: “So, the residents of this neighborhood can expect to endure brown-outs every month?”
Dr. Irrsinnig: “The neighbors? Oh, I wasn’t talking about the neighbors. The brown-out will be much larger than that?
Reporter: “How much larger?”
Dr. Irrsinnig: “From my calculations, I would say, the western half of the United States… and maybe British Columbia.”
Reporter: “This is all insane! How can you expect to cripple one half of the country?”
Dr. Irrsinnig: “How can I expect? I say, how can you expect—to protect your fragile environment and open your borders and hospitals to the needy from all over Latin America without paying a price somewhere down the line? C’mon, where’s your infinite compassion, your spirit of tolerance? So you have a few days each month without television or internet porn, big deal! Hey, here’s an idea, you could use the brown-out days to practice your Spanish!”
If they really had a political waste section I think they would have to open a new dump….
#2 Stylist,
The place is called MACSA. That’s where they keep all the spare parts for guys like this.
That stands for “Mexican Academy Creating Sellout Assemblymen”.
Watch for the new and improved version of a recently fallen politico.
D.O.A.
Hey all you pendayholes, all that crap; or waste as you are refering to; comes from you and your family members! Now what?