Mitchell Report Surprise:  Larry Stone Named

County Assessor May Be Stripped of 2004 Royal Schmoozer Title

If baseball received another black eye on Thursday with the publication of Senator Mitchell’s report detailing rampant abuse of steroids amongst its players, than County Assessor Larry Stone was dipped into an industrial-sized vat of scalding hot nacho-cheese when his name inexplicably turned up on the list.

“This may finally be the vindication we’ve been looking for,” said one professional schmoozer on the condition of anonymity. “We were tired of constantly battling for second place.”

Hanging in the balance is one of the most impressive schmoozing careers in the history of Santa Clara Valley. Along with every prestigious schmoozing title, Mr. Stone has been known to discuss policy with heads of state, been linked to several A-list Hollywood starlets, and been rumored to have consumed half the poultry population in the state as a result of his aggressive event dinner circuiting.

“This guy never saw a free meal he didn’t like,” said a member of his posse at San Jose Rotary. “And he never stopped talking and shaking hands. His energy was legendary.”

Most were shocked to find that hiding in the shadows of some of baseball’s great names like Clemens, Pettite, Tejeda and Gagne was the identity of a little known tax collector in Silicon Valley.

But others were suspicious of the mysterious lotions and Balco Christmas cards. “No one goes from a 42 to 52 sport coat, a 7a to 7e cap size and takes two inches of their inseam without juicing,” said schmoozing arch-rival Victor Arranaga. “He has done a grave injustice to the integrity of the game.”


  1. Funny John.  But let’s not lose site of the fact that this is a serious indictment of our national pasttime.  The win at all cost mentality permeates baseball and other parts of our culture like politics.  At the local level, we see it most evidently in the efforts of the Central Labor Council who extort money from developers to spend on independent expenditures.  Maybe the city council could bring in George Mitchell to do an investigation and clean up San Jose politics before we lose Coyote Valley.

  2. The list that was published by the Catholic Bishops fund, named Aranaga and former Mayor amonst others,  as the best bodies to wear the uniform of the season. (Santa’s outfit.) Now if that is not the tip of the month. Barry nor Larry didn’t come close to making that “A” list. No pillows were allowed this season!

  3. Anyone who watches baseball is a fool.  If you had a race fixed everytime why would you go.  They ruined the game and it’s legendary records.  Records mean nothing now and that is what baseball was all about since it’s inception.  Now that records mean nothing the game is dead.  How did the Giant fans watch a cheating, overblown, fathead like Barry Bonds cheat his way to the home run record.

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