Kevin Costner Hired as Mayor’s Bodyguard

Gonzales Vows to Get Rid of Unnecessary Cops

After much criticism from the Mercury News over his unusual number and frequency of security detail for political and business trips, Mayor Gonzales has pledged to cut back on his taxpayer supported “posse” by hiring a single bodyguard—Kevin Costner.

According to mayoral spokesman David Vossbrink, Costner—the actor who starred in the movie The Bodyguard, in which he was given the responsibility of protecting Whitney Houston—“proved that he is willing to put his life on the line to protect his subject. We need that…and the ability to quickly flag down a skycab in an unfamiliar airport in case of an emergency back home.”

Most Hollywood security men agree that Mr. Costner is in rarified air as a body man, and that San Jose should feel very lucky to have someone as experienced as the actor. “Because of several titanic box office bombs, like The Postman and Waterworld, and just plain bad acting in most of his other movies, San Jose will benefit by getting a bargain on a guy that could raise the city’s international image overnight,” said one former bodyguard.  “And there ain’t a skycab that would pass him by.”

Although most council members were skeptical of the move, they voted 10-1 in favor of the hire in order to free up the mayor’s police escorts, making them available for other things, like public safety, enforcement of laws and busting bad guys. 

The lone, dissenting vote came from Councilwoman Nancy Pyle who thought that Clint Eastwood was a better fit.  “Mr. Eastwood seemed to be better qualified,” she explained, “from his Dirty Harry character to his role as a Secret Service man guarding the President—I just think as the 10th largest city, we are setting our sights a little low with Kevin.  But if everyone else wants Costner, I’ll change my vote.”


  1. This is great idea…

    Obviously we can afford him after the $4m subsidy for slot cars.  And it puts the cops back on the beat and not on airplanes guarding a nobody.

  2. I think they should have hired Bill Chew and got the mayor a pair of skates to hustle through the airports-sort of like OJ used to do.

  3. Where is Charles Bronson when you need him?  Now he would be a bodyguard.  Although, Kevin Costner would be a good one because they both play golf all the time.  Would he take an errant tee shot for the mayor that is to be seen.  It is very dangerous out there on the links.

  4. They should put Costner in charge of the ballpark: “If you build it, they will come!”

    Then again, renaming city council meetings as: “Dances With Wolves” has a certain logical appeal.

  5. Is there anybody out there that would really trust Costner with a loaded weapon? Is there anybody out there that would trust Costner with an unloaded weapon? Anybody out there that would trust Gonzo with a loaded Costner?

  6. Were the details of Costner’s pay package disclosed by Gonzo/Guerra, or does the council vote on that in a couple of years?  Does he at least get “a lving wage”?  90% pension after how long?What happens during the AT&T next month—Costner plays it every year?

  7. Re: #8

    John, I have it on pretty good authority that The Mayor has voluntered to caddy for Kevin at the AT&T.

    Costner did however promise to give The Mayor half of any money he might win.

    For this favor, Costner was given the time off to compete, with pay. He also had to promise to give The Mayor half of his paid leave funds.

    Seems that The Mayor isn’t sure about where he’s going after he leaves office and wants to build a slush fund to carry him through the difficult decision making time.

    Another rumor has it that Costner will put The Mayor into his next film; Robbin’ Hood Prince of Thieves II, The Sequel.

  8. The way Ron Gonzales does business (or should that be, bizza-ness), I’m surprised he would even want a cop around. Given his penchant for using power and fear to subjugate those around him, he should trade in his polite and attentive police valet(s) for someone with a real “Old World Italian” temperament (as opposed to the Guerra-esque bluff and bluster that frightens women).

    Here’s my nomination:

    In Mr. Brazi’s thick hands, Kevin Costner breaks like a biscotti.

  9. f. finfan-

    You are are absolutely correct…

    Although the fact is, Luca Brazi sleeps with the fish and Costner took a bullet for Whitney Houston and lived to protect another day!

  10. The premise of the police protection is all wrong.

    Is Gonzales the one that is going to give everyone hope, lead a community to unite or take charge during a disaster?

    I say forget about the police escort and let him stay at whatever airport he is stranded at and watch it on TV.

  11. Forget Costner, I had a chance to watch more of the San Jose grand prix discussion on CivicCenter TV (Comcast channel 37A). 

    Linda LeZotte deserves an Emmy award as best supporting actress in a weekly soap opera.  Her little tirade about documents arriving late was precious.  Despite her outrage, she voted to support the agreement.  Tirades will not change anything.

    Our mayor’s “a deal is a deal” performance shows he is doing little to earn the public’s trust after his censure over the Norcal deal.

  12. I actually saw Bill Chew the other day at Costco WITHOUT his skates. It was kind of like seeing one of the characters at Disneyland without its head – wierd!

  13. I’m with Nancy Pyle, Clint Eastwood is THE MAN…but forget bodyguard—CLINT EASTWOOD FOR MAYOR…“Make My Day!”

  14. Dear San Jose:

    Please provide Kevin Costner with the following San Jose Grand Prix update:

    1) sponsors won’t open their books. (according to the Mercury News).

    2) Merc reports 5,000 new seats will be added to grandstands.  (equals more revenue)

    3) City of San Jose has a 300 mile backlog of city streets that need resurfacing.

    4) To the seniors at the Alma Senior Center:
    “Let them eat cake!”

    P.S. 1/10th of city’s streetlights are turned off at night to save $200,000 per annum. (A decison made by the council last year to close the multi-million dollar deficit).

    Ladies and gentleman, if the Grand Prix is so grand (and profitable) let those who profit by it pick up the tab.  It’s clearly not the city government and the citizens of San Jose!

    Pete campbell

  15. A bodyguard for a mayor that no-one outside of San Hozay would recognize???!!!  Indeed, I’d bet at least half of San Hozay residents wouldn’t recognize him.  What ego, what impudence, what gall of Gonzo to think that anyone would waste expensive powder on him!

    With all due respect to former chief Lansdowne and current chief Davis, 99.9% of the world’s population couldn’t find San Hozay on a map with two hands and a guide.  So why would anyone think that offing its mayor would be an issue for any terroirist or criminal?  Who’d notice if it happened?  Well, maybe I’m a bit harsh.  After all, we did get our fifteen minutes of fame with the Chili Finger deal.

    To take a single sworn officer off the streets to “protect” Gonzo is a waste of a valuable asset.  But I bet the guy who pulls the duty(any female assigned yet?  I don’t think so…he might hit on her) takes it as a vacation, since it’s clear no-one would waste the time or effort.  YAWN.

    Jeez, lotsa folks on this blog think Joe Guerra III is intimidating.  So assign him the task of protecting the Gonzo.  He’s already on staff, so it’s no extra cost.  Better still, let some of the former felons who work @ NorCal watch his ethically challenged butt.