Girls Gone Wild Festival Coming to San Jose

$4 Million Subsidy Approved for Bare-Breasted Bacchanalia

The City of San Jose has chosen Team San Jose, a California non-profit public benefit corporation led by Con-Vis Chief Dan Fenton, to organize and run a Girls Gone Wild Silicon Valley Edition that will take place in downtown San Jose in mid-August.

The weeklong orgy evolved out of earlier efforts by Joel Wyrick, former owner of Waves Saloon and now city council candidate for District 3, to turn Post Street into a Mardi Gras.  But those Fat Tuesday celebrations quickly grew from beignets and chicory coffee into drunken melees and riots replete with the traditional beads-for-breast-shots bartering.

In order to secure the rights to the festival, the city felt they had to offer a $4 million subsidy that ultimately made San Jose the choice over other luminous cities such as Fresno, Lodi, Redding, Vallejo and all of the beach towns in L.A.  The money will help deflect costs of supplying white T-shirts to the willing participants, several hundred cases of whipped cream and the removal of several palm trees hindering the placement of the contest stage.

“We believe this festival will deliver the biggest bang for the buck,” said Mr. Fenton, who added, “Our great city will finally get the attention it deserves by reaching millions of Howard Stern fans through pay-per-view cable.”

Event sponsors have guaranteed that the Girls Gone Wild Silicon Valley Orgy will throw off more than bodily fluids, tattered T-shirt remnants and self-respect.  “This flesh buffet has been known to spin off millions of dollars to area businesses,” said one sponsor.  “We expect the liquor stores, hotels and St. Claire Club to do record business.”

The event will start with the participants getting drenched under the misting fountains at City Hall Plaza. Then they will frolic down Santa Clara Street towards their final destination of Almaden Avenue, where a large stage will be erected—so to speak—and the girls will be judged and one lucky winner crowned Ms. Girls Gone Wild San Jose.


  1. Let’s predict the occupations of the contestants—and the Miss San Jose Grand Prix competitors are probably a reliable indicator.  Of 24 contestants, 23 were either “in marketing” or were “marketing consultants.”  The 24th?  She was the model from Las Vegas.

  2. John, I assume your tounge is planted firmly in your cheek as you churn out the above but, with this administration, one can’t be to sure.

    I will attempt to pay off the mayor and/or the council so that I will have the only bikini booth on the route from City Hall to Almaden.

    They must however, make a bikini change a mandatory part of the festival.

    I promise to employ only union bikini sales people unless I can find some underware sales people for more money.

    As an aside, the parent company of Vitoria’s Secret beat expected earnings it was announced yesterday.

    I will also try to make this a three day event so we can get the “biggest bang for the buck” so to speak…

  3. Let me just get this of my chest, your latest scoop was a bust.  I appreciate you keeping us abreast of developments in San Jose, capital of Silicone Valley, but your article implants the wrong message.  I have racked my brain as to why you would cupsize your reputation with this type of article, but nothing sticks out as a possible casaba for your sinking so low cut today.

  4. Chuck will MC in his American Flag speedos

    Council voted that both Dave and David don’t play well with others, so were sent to KB Homes tour of Evergreen ranchland to be plowed up for more monster houses

    Michael’s family brought the beer concession for him from Mike Fox and will serve Gordon Biersch beer

    Cindy issued a prolamation for Ron who is again out of town on vacation, that San Jose is the safest city for beer and girls in bikinis and T shirts and said labor truckers will be bringing in   sand for a beach in Cesar Chavez Plaza

    Ken asked where is the beefcake

    Rick Calendar filed a complaint that big black beautiful women were underrepresented

    Manny volunteered to drive the beer and girls around San Jose in his SUV

    GI Forum said they would help drink the beer since they have experience with city paid downtown festivals

    Mercury News sponsored a public champaign party for invited guests in the Knight Ridder building so Bellermine boys in the Chamber and Silicon Valley billionaire and millionaire hitech leaders would not have to mingle with the crowds

    Silicon Valley Leadership Group asked for a tax subsidy since San Jose is the most expensive city to have a party and they should not have to pay

    The other candidates were unavailable or too busy drinking to care and neither did the public

  5. John don’t you think that the front steps to the St. Claire Club would be a better judging and awards location.  Maybe the public could get a sneaky peek inside this staid old club.  I’ll be His Ronner hasn’t even been in there. 
    Concerned Citizen should realize that we need a little humor and satire to take the edge off of some serious issues.

  6. Is Single Gal entered?  How about Girl from the Net?  How about Phil Mickelson?

    Don’t let finfan in, he’ll just get more frustrated.

    Maybe we should have it at The Amassador, Beehive, or whatever it is now, and Rick Callender can do a profiling survey.

    But we definitely cannot have it in the still pristine Coyote Valley.

  7. You’re right JohnMichael about not ruining the pristine view of Coyote Valley as there are already enough bovine boobs being exposed there.
    John McE this was a great way to end the week, but you know what, I bet if you did announce the contest they’d come. You’d get a bigger crowd downtown than the car races and Tapestry in Talent combined.

  8. Dan Sturges, what we would have would be Talent in Tapestry not the other way around.

    The more I think about this, the better it sounds. I think I could get my old gal band “BooBs-a-LOT to provide music. They used to play for beer and tips, so to speak…

  9. Once again, community non-profits are getting screwed.  The word out of City Hall is that the various booths proposed by our not-for-profit community have been rejected.  Some of the booths included vendors providing the following services: do-it-yourself implants, bikini design contests, homeless prepared pizza and other community based services.

  10. Posted by Profit your booth idea is great maybe we could get JohnMichael to sell pictures of salamanders, banana slugs and tree huggers all with a pastoral, bucolic backgroud of Coyote Valley.

  11. The event should end at dusk to ensure downtown business impact. Get the guys horny first and cut them loose on the club seen. Should work better than the Car Race. Seems the exhaust fumes tire the crowds sending them home early.

  12. America’s safest large city cannot even control a small crowd of people.

    Nice images on the news of people jumping on cars and breaking windows a la LA riot style.

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