Claim City’s Intoxication Title is Not Accurate
Claiming that San Jose is trying to subvert their hard-earned title, a group of drunken sailors from San Francisco have filed a cease-and-desist order against San Jose, hoping to quash the city’s latest efforts to brand itself with another title.
“Capital of Silicon Valley, Safest Big City, Valley of the Heart’s Delight…these are all nice titles,” said Commodore Brad McGuinness. “Do they really need Capital of Drunks also? Shameful.”
The sailors say that they have worked hard for the title—fighting boredom at sea, prejudice at home and venereal disease in brothels—and rightly deserve the moniker.
“We have been irresponsible, embarrassing, angry and we rarely remember where we put our keys” said seaman Joe Bitburger from a barstool at a dive off of Embarcadero St. “And…I forgot what I was going to say.”
A local chapter of Mothers Against Downtown Drunks has expressed concern that these sailors may become more comfortable with downtown’s new atmosphere and eventually join the fray. “Sailors are a gateway drunk,” she said. “Soon we’ll have pirates, Irish writers and Mel Gibson coming downtown—God forbid.”
In late-breaking news, Chico State, the National Fraternity of Fraternities and Mazatlan have joined the drunken sailors as co-defendants in the lawsuit claiming applicants, pledges and spring-breakers, respectively, have also been hurt by San Jose’s latest claim.