USDA To Replace Tainted School Meat With Homeschoolers

Illegally Taught Children Served Up As Beef Substitute

As the U.S. Department of Agriculture was busy trying to replace 143 million pounds of tainted meat reserved for Northern California school districts, the State Legislature was busy trying to figure out what to do with millions of idle California homeschooled children.

“Then it hit us,” said State Assemblyman Jim Beall. “Why not allow the children that continue to be home taught—in egregious disregard to our state laws and with obvious disrespect to those in authority—to be used as meat?”

Not without expectation, Bay Area parents were blindsided by the proposal. “This is outrageous,” yelled Homeschool Parents Union spokesperson, Jan Silverton, at a community rally in front of the State Capital on Wednesday. “First they take away our children’s education, now they want to take away their flanks!”

But with the support of the San Jose Unified School District and State Schools Superintendant Jack O’Connell, the proposal seems unstoppabble.

“It’s serendipity,” said Mr. O’Connell. “The homeschoolers are just sitting home, idly eating corn and chewing on salt blocks, fattening up while our public school children are hungry.”

 

7 Comments

  1. EWWWWWWWW.

    This might have passed muster if you’d thrown in allusions to Soylent Green.

    As it is, it’s just got too much yuck factor to meet your usual high standards of irony.

    Better luck next week.

  2. Maybe we should serve up John II instead. I’ve come to dread even glancing at his sadistic offerings on this web site./Ellie Molloy

  3. John—I wish the new City Council, even Pierluigi, had your daring. Terrific satire.  Jonathan would approve. Desperate times deserve desperate satire. How come none of the really sensitive souls among us go “Ewww” to the mess the public schools make of their precious little ones. 30% dropout rate (despite Colleen) great expertise with violent video games while being unable to talk (just grunt) or to read or write—and the solution? More money, fewer alternatives to the daily miseducation. Way to go John!

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