The horse of Millionaire Mitt Romney’s wife was beaten badly by the steed of a British billionaire’s granddaughter, setting off a firestorm among America’s elite on whether Romney was really dedicated to, or wealthy enough to engage in, “American Exceptionalism.”
“Hell, he isn’t even a billionaire,” fumed local Oracle Chief Larry Ellison. “What business does he have competing in the Olympics?”
“If we can send an SUV to Mars, certainly we can beat the friggin’ Brits in Dressage.” he added.
Ellison said after that he wins another Americas Cu, held in San Francisco this year, he would buy a horse and take riding lessons.
“I’m checking with my staff to see if I have a gold medal,” Ellison explained. “If I don’t, I’m in for 2016.”
Other billionaires also weighed in with their disappointment. Tim Cook of Apple, while noting his displeasure, would not say whether Apple was creating an iHorse.
“We just don’t comment on things like that,” Cook shrugged.
Upon hearing of Ellison and Cook’s possible interest, local politicians immediately began scrambling to find a way to help. Mayor Chuck Reed noted that the former A’s Stadium site would be a perfect location for an Equestrian Center.
“We already hid the Redevelopment money from the state and we have to build something,” Reed explained. “Dressage would finally put San Jose on the map.”
As for Romney, his campaign immediately went into damage control.
“First, this is my wife’s horse and I don’t think it is fair to blame me for her Olympic debacle,” Romney said. “I have fired the horse.”
“I like to fire horses, too,” he added.
But later in the day the Romney campaign backtracked on their candidate’s comments, noting that a new plan for getting rid of Rafalca had been implemented.
“The Romney’s have decided to incorporate the horse, which now makes it a person,” a Romney spokesperson said. “That corporation has been sold to Bain Capital. We believe the entire Olympic debacle can be etch-a-sketched.”
Bain Capital confirmed it had bought the new corporation. The horse, or person in this case, was delivered to the company headquarters and tied to the front desk since the sale.
Bain confirmed its plan to profit from the horse.
“We will basically strip it of its assets, bone, marrow and meat,” a company spokesman said. “We will then sell parts of the horse to glue factories overseas and most of the meat to Chick-Fil-A.”
“He tastes just like chicken,” the spokesman added.
Rich Robinson is a political consultant in Silicon Valley.