City Accuses County of Pursuing WMDs

Proof of Nuclear Program Has City Imposing Sanctions

Immediately after city inspectors stumbled upon uranium enrichment equipment in an underground bunker at the county fairgrounds, the city accused county supervisors of trying to produce weapons of mass destruction, which they say would be used as a threat to influence future negotiations.

Relations between the city and county over tax increment dollars, regional transportation issues and the rights to house the Ron Gonzales mayoral library, have historically been frayed, but are now in danger of being irreparably severed.

Mayoral spokesman David Vossbrink said that the mayor received the shocking news while vacationing in Cancun, whereupon several of his security detail quickly escorted him off the deserted beach—in record time—to a safe house where a command post was established.

The mayor’s first orders were swift, decisive and unilateral, like most of his decisions, with the full support of his government in exile.  The terse instructions to impose immediate sanctions against the county were couriered through back channels and undercover operatives to an anxious San Jose City Council, which voted unanimously to implement the mayor’s wishes at once.

A defiant Supervisor Beall insisted that the county had the right to “pursue a peaceful nuclear program” and that “no threats from anyone would deprive us of this right.”

But mayoral henchman, Joe Guerra disagreed.  “After taking away the use of the Water Pollution Control Plant, city roads and half of Valley Fair mall,” said Mr. Guerra, “we believe they will end their foolish and dangerous quest to make and possess these weapons of mass destruction.  Needless to say, these sanctions are not aimed at the inhabitants and friends of the county, but at ending the terror of this evil regime.”

“Ouch,” responded Mr. Beall.

14 Comments

  1. Why not combine the City and County functions like SF?

    This would eliminate the wasteful $$ spent on lawsuits, eliminate multiple layers of duplicative bureaucracy, reduce the number of politicians, streamline services, combine duplicative departments and provide detente once and for all between competing govenrment interests.

    We could just Pete Kutras into the City Manager position and eliminate at least 7 of the twelve assistant executives in each governement.

    We might even have surplus $$ at the end of the merger.

  2. How do we know the WMDs were planted (secretly) by current or previous San Jose administrations to blame the county for anything that came up later? smile

    And is Jim Beall hurting because someone plans to run against him?

    I like Richard’s idea but it would have to allow plenty for voter accountability.  The current combined city/county function for transportation, the Valley Transportation Authority, remains dysfunctional.  Remember: you cannot vote for or recall anyone on the VTA Board, as they comprise of politicians like SJ Vice Mayor Chavez and Supervisor Don Gage and are directly appointed in Council/Supervisors meetings.

  3. Eugene, are you serious?  Will I actually be able to vote against Jim Beall in an election?  No way!  How could Jim let this happen?  He has calculated his way along so well up to now.

  4. The Ron Gonzales mayoral library? No thanks. My sources warn me that:

    Check-out transactions will be conducted not at the front desk, but under a table.
    All political science books will be housed in the Monty Hall wing.
    The sports section will showcase the mayor’s efforts to bring Majer Leege Bassball to San Jose.
    The ‘Local History’ section will feature books and information about Hewlett Packard and the City of Sunnyvale.
    Scholars in search of the ‘Ethics Collection’ will follow signs directing them down a long hall, through a secure door, and out onto the sidewalk.
    Entry-level staff will be paid the minimum wage, plus whatever their union decides.
    The head librarian shall be female, and shall be replaced after twenty years or by a prettier woman, whichever comes first.
    ‘Bilingual Studies’ will consist of a small room stocked with a mop, bucket, and assorted janitorial supplies.
    Garbage service, estimated at $6,000 a month, will be billed to the city at the annual rate of $250,000.

  5. Mark T:

    You could do what I did when I was living in Sunnyvale and Pete McHugh was running for reelection as county supe unopposed: write in a loved one.  What law mandates you have to vote for a candidate that runs unopposed.  Believe me, if I was kidding, I would say this in my own comedy show at the Rio in Santa Cruz.

    Finfan:

    Your sources didn’t tell you about the 6-story parking garage wth direct freeway access for the Gonzo library.  Complete with dedicated underground BART stop at the front entrance, with the nearest VTA bus and/or light rail stop over a mile away.  All at your expense, of course.

  6. We need more than a Mayoral Library.  How about the Mayor Ron Gonzales Memorial?

    THE GONZALES MEMORIAL, on the extended axis of the East Santa Clara Redevelopment Project Area is a San Jose Mayoral Memorial built for San Jose Mayor Ron Gonzales. The building is in the form of a Greek Doric temple, and contains a large seated sculpture of Gonzales.

    The memorial has been the site of many speeches, including Mayor Gonzales’ “I Have A Dream Team”, delivered with Mayoral Budget Director Joe Guerra at his side on December 13, 2005, during the celebration at the end of the joint meeting of the San Jose City Council, San Jose Redevelopment Agency and the San Jose Finance Authority.

    The Gonzales Monument Association was incorporated by the San Jose City Council in March 2007 to build a memorial to Gonzales. Little progress was made until the site was chosen in 2070, in an area that was swampland, and the first stone of the Gonzales Memorial was not put into place until Gonzales’ in 2071. The monument was dedicated by Mayor William Chew III, great grandson of Bill Chew, who served as San Jose’s Mayor from 2007 to 2010.

    The Gonzales Monument won for its architect, the prominent Beaux-Arts designer Henry Bacon, the Gold Medal of the American Institute of Architects, his profession’s highest honor, presented at the Monument in 2083. The stone for the building is Sunnyvale limestone and Alviso Yule marble, quarried at the recently reincorporated town of Alviso, California. The sculpture itself is made of King City marble.

    Standing apart from other San Jose public facilities and art, the somewhat triumphal and Roman manner of the Gonzales Memorial takes the severe form of a Greek Doric temple. It is ‘peripteral,’ with 36 massive columns, each 10 meters (33 feet) high, entirely surrounding the cella of the building itself, which rises above the porticos. Five adults holding hands cannot quite embrace the columns. By a happy afterthought, the 36 columns required for the design were seen to represent the 36 special interest groups favored by Gonzales, and their names were inscribed in the entablature above each column.

    Unfortunately, the monument is not open to the public.

  7. ForgetMeNot!

    It’s one thing to create inspired satire, it is quite another to do so when suffering from some horrid form of dementia. A Bill Chew political dynasty for our beloved San Jose? Nothing less than the work of a macabre genius! Oh, how you make me wonder. From where comes your inspiration? Do you suffer in loneliness? Are you grotesquely deformed and too hideous for the light of day? Might you be a phantom?

    SJI, I ask: Who among us will sleep sound tonight?

  8. I’m sure Ron Gonzo could get the NorCal waste disposal team to clean up that nucleor site at the fairgrounds.  He probably wounldn’t even have to pay them after how they are already riping off the city.  would love to see Gonzo hanging onto that truck and swinging down into the site to remove that waste materai.  Then they could proudly put the New money costing taxpayor supported Music hall right on top the the waste site.

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