Gonzales Vows to Get Rid of Unnecessary Cops
After much criticism from the Mercury News over his unusual number and frequency of security detail for political and business trips, Mayor Gonzales has pledged to cut back on his taxpayer supported “posse” by hiring a single bodyguard—Kevin Costner.
According to mayoral spokesman David Vossbrink, Costner—the actor who starred in the movie The Bodyguard, in which he was given the responsibility of protecting Whitney Houston—“proved that he is willing to put his life on the line to protect his subject. We need that…and the ability to quickly flag down a skycab in an unfamiliar airport in case of an emergency back home.”
Most Hollywood security men agree that Mr. Costner is in rarified air as a body man, and that San Jose should feel very lucky to have someone as experienced as the actor. “Because of several titanic box office bombs, like The Postman and Waterworld, and just plain bad acting in most of his other movies, San Jose will benefit by getting a bargain on a guy that could raise the city’s international image overnight,” said one former bodyguard. “And there ain’t a skycab that would pass him by.”
Although most council members were skeptical of the move, they voted 10-1 in favor of the hire in order to free up the mayor’s police escorts, making them available for other things, like public safety, enforcement of laws and busting bad guys.
The lone, dissenting vote came from Councilwoman Nancy Pyle who thought that Clint Eastwood was a better fit. “Mr. Eastwood seemed to be better qualified,” she explained, “from his Dirty Harry character to his role as a Secret Service man guarding the President—I just think as the 10th largest city, we are setting our sights a little low with Kevin. But if everyone else wants Costner, I’ll change my vote.”